Září 2017

Alternativní kapitola 3 (lessons on selfless love)

16. září 2017 v 18:36 | Magorovo Wuhu |  Povídky
He looked at her with mild confusion, waiting for her to speak. Obviously, he was nervous and afraid of what she was about to say.
"Sev… Come here. Sit with me."
He was hesitant, but he obeyed. Slowly and carefully, he approached her and sat down on her bed. He was so close now. The expression on his face showed nothing.
"Oh Sev… You have no idea what you've done wrong, do you?"
He looked utterly confused. "I… Really… I saved your life!"
"In exchange for what was dearest to me. My husband and my child. My family, Sev."
A tear slipped from under her eyelid, but she quickly wiped it off and continued:
"I should have died with them. Now I have nothing left, Sev!"
"Why, you have me! I understand you married James Potter because you were angry with me for calling you that terrible name, but he… How could you?"
He was now shaking with anger. "I am… Willing… To forgive you for that. Please do the same and forgive me for calling you the m-word. I promise it won't happen again. I can't lose you, Lily. You are… The only person I've ever cared about."
What she said next was just a mere whisper. She sat up and took his face in her hands. His eyes were so dark she nearly lost herself in them.
"But you don't care about me."
"I don't understand."
"Of course you don't," she said with a deep sigh. "Don't worry about it any more. Selfless love is… Something you've never experienced… You will never understand it."
She tried to hug him but he jerked off her embrace and continued with the talk:
"You didn't care about me when you married that prat! Seriously, you've done the worst thing to me you could think of, which was… Clever of you. But I'm willing to forgive, isn't that love enough?"
She was struck with surprise and horror. "Do you truly think I did that because of… Because of revenge?"
"Why else would you do it?!"
"Because I loved James?"
A quick expression of agony ran across Severus's face.
"Don't try to fool me with this. You cannot lie to me. You never liked James before. I'm not stupid, Lily."
She didn't know what to say. She tried so hard to make him understand… But getting over his paranoia and old hatred was more than he was capable of doing. And now he thought she was hurting him, too. She, Lily! In spite of that, she wasn't willing to give up on him just yet.
"Listen, Sev. Just listen to me. I fell in love with James. I truly did. He changed, matured, he stopped showing off, he helped me in so many ways…"
"DON'T! I WILL NOT listen to that! I understand you're not willing to stop taking revenge on me… Why?"
She shushed him with a finger pressed on his thin lips. "I'm not trying to hurt you, Sev."
"But that's exactly what you're doing." he said with accusational tone of voice.
"I'm sorry for that, Sev. But it's not something I'm doing on purpose. That's what I'm trying to say to you."
"I don't believe that. Just tell me you hate me already!"
She felt so hurt when she saw him there like that, fighting the urge to cry and shaking with anger. But she said nothing, for she really didn't know what else to say.
"Oh Sev, I wish I could help you get out of your personal hell," she thought helplessly. Severus, being already a mighty legilimens, noticed that thought. Personal hell… What did she mean by that?
Just when Lily was starting to think that Severus was a lost case indeed, she suddenly heard him speak.

"So you… You truly fell in love with James?"
"How did he make you love him?" he interrogated.
"He didn't make me love him, Sev. It just happened. The same way you've come to love me. I didn't make you love me, you know."
"I don't… How do you know? Why didn't you tell me you knew?"
She fell silent. He was just staring at her in disbelief. "Why didn't you tell me?" he reapeated weakly.
She grabbed him by his shoulders. "Severus Snape, you need to understand that what you feel for me isn't love."
"Then… Then what is it?" he whispered shakingly.
"Dependancy, obsession, preoccupation… Definitely not love. You want to make me as dependent on you as you're on me. So you want to hurt me, in fact. And that has nothing to do with love, as far as I know."
He buried his head in his hands. He knew she was right from the moment she named his feelings by their proper names.
"Look at me, Sev."
His eyes were wet with tears when he did.
"Do you want to know what love is?"
He nodded and Lily led him towards the window.
"As we both heard in lessons on the theory of magic, my dominant element is Earth. Let's look at it. Look out of the window. Look at those leaves moving to and fro in the wind. Just give them a nice, long, proper look."
He did as she said.
"Now, tell me - it's beautiful, isn't it? All those details. Everything about this scene is perfect - even the mistakes. Some leaves might be missing, some might be a bit damaged… It's what makes this scene unique. It makes it even more perfect. Do you agree?"
Severus nodded in agreement.
"For thousands of years, people've been claiming lands to be theirs… They've been buying them, renting them, selling them… Owning them. Love is when you just want to be close to that scene, to look at it and study its every detail. When you don't want to own it. Because you know that taking it and cultivating it would ruin it. You like it when it's free. And if someone tries to own it and do something to it, you protect it, never expecting anything in return. Nature needs to be free of people. Especially those who forget that they can never tear a tree from the context of its scenery and preserve its beauty at the same time."
Severus looked perplexed. Lily continued:
"Now, obsession is when… You like a tree so you decide to cut it and put it in your garden."
"You kill the true nature of it. You kill the context," Severus said.
"It's what I've done to you," he whispered hoarsely and choked.
"Well…" She turned to him and saw how hurt he looked. "I suppose we can put it that way."
"I'm sorry. I'll never bother you again, Lily."